Saturday, January 29, 2005

For the Love of God, Do Not See "Hide and Seek"

I'll bet you all the money in my pockets, against all the money in your pockets that the screenwriter of this movie fucks little boys. Every morning he goes to his basement and unchains one of the young, nubile, little boys he kidnapped from some inner-city middle school, and he fucks them up the ass until a thin stream of air comes of out his flaccid and impotent penis, and he goes into the back yard and shoots a puppy. I find it impossible to conceive with in the confines of my little mind that a decent human being would write a movie like this.

Hide and Seek is a bad movie. Now, I don't want you to start thinking that this movie is the fun "it's so bad, it's good" type movie, because it's not. It is an unmemorable piece of shit. I just know, know, that years from now I will completely forget this movie and some one is going to ask me "Hey Jon, I have a DVD of Hide and Seek, do you want to see it?" and I will say "Yes, friend, I haven't seen that movie, so I guess I will" and then I will watch it and hate myself all over again.

Over the coming weeks I am going to be saving up every dime I have so I can fly over to Hollywood and and then tell Dakota Fanning that Santa Claus does not exist.
What made the movie so bad, Bob jon?
It's a horror movie, only barely anyone dies in it, and there are no boobies. Just one hour of pointless filler (or, as the critics call it, "mounting tension"), and then a (pointless) twist at the end that anyone who isn't an idiot could see coming about a half hour ahead of time.
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